BIG SCREEN: Cars 2 Revieux (Rated G)

I can’t even begin to estimate how many times I watched the first Cars movie between 2007-2008. Around the time my son turned two, he fell in love with the DVD and so did we, because it was the only thing that made him remain somewhat still. Ever. He was also a terrible eater, so nightly dinner screenings bought us a calm, quiet mealtime for many months. (Don’t judge. It saved our sanity, and never fear -- we broke him of the habit by age three.)

You’d think that after hundreds of viewings, I would’ve grown to hate it, but I honestly never did. Why? I guess it was the perfect balance of humor, sweetness, and nostalgia. The story was fairly simple, but the message was strong and the characters were so stinkin’ loveable. Movie magic! When I heard that the sequel was going to take place in Europe and feature a spy story, I feared they were overreaching. And I was right.

In Cars 2, Tow Mater (still Larry the Cable Guy) accompanies Lightning McQueen (still Owen Wilson) as he crosses the Atlantic to race on the European circuit. Through a series of mishaps, Mater is mistaken for a secret agent and has the opportunity to prove he’s not just a silly jalopy who exists for everyone else’s amusement. The legendary Michael Caine voices Finn McMissile, a suave Aston Martin/British Agent and Emily Mortimer (Shutter Island) plays his associate Holly Shiftwell, a purple Bond-girlish car that can fly. The old supporting cast sort of pops up at the beginning and end, but they serve no real purpose.

Here’s the deal, I totally understand ramping everything up to extreme levels with the third or fourth installment of a franchise, when they run out of ideas – but, for number two? Oy. They couldn’t come up with a storyline a little closer to home, with just a hint of the aforementioned sweetness and nostalgia?

Doc is gone. No explanation. Obviously we all know Paul Newman’s passing made it impossible to reprise that character, but they totally gloss over his absence. What a missed opportunity to have made this an integral part of the movie, somehow teaching kids to mourn the loss of someone while honoring their memory.

Or, how about this: with the influx of traffic and tourists that pour in after Lightning relocated his headquarters to Radiator Springs, everyone in town goes all slick and high-tech and commercial, then somehow they realize they have to simplify and regain their small-town camaraderie. Maybe?

Sigh. Instead we mindlessly trek around the world with jet cars and espionage and big oil vs. alternative fuel (I kid you not). The young ‘uns will like the action and the smattering of giggle-worthy jokes, but I doubt they’ll want to wear the DVD out, like with the old one. And the adults will miss certainly the emotional connection the original movie inspired. No heartstrings are tugged. No eyes become remotely misty. What a shame.

For New Orleans-area movie theaters and showtimes, visit...
http://neworleans.mrmovietimes.com/

BIG SCREEN: Bad Teacher Revieux (Rated R)

Cameron Diaz must have thought she’d died and gone to heaven when she read this script. I can’t imagine a more fun, liberating role to play than a really bad girl with few-to-no redeeming qualities. JACKPOT!

Her character, Elizabeth Halsey, is a trash-mouthed, hard-drinking, dope-smoking gold digger who got into teaching for all the wrong reasons, and is desperate to get right back out. When she gets dumped by her sugar daddy/fiancé, her priorities become: (a) lie, cheat and steal to raise money for breast implants (b) land the wealthy new substitute teacher (Justin Timberlake), and (c) make life miserable for her nemesis, an annoying, overly enthusiastic fellow teacher (Lucy Punch).

Notice that neither teach nor encourage her students appears on that list.

If you don’t like raunchy humor, you may as well just cut to my Cars 2 review right now. It’s alright, we won’t judge you for being tasteful!

Okay, for the rest of you, I can think of pretty much nothing I didn’t love about this movie. Yes, yes -- by day I’m a G-rated mommy who watches my language, minds my manners, and sets a good example for my little boy. But, man, there’s nothing like a good, uncensored hour-and-a-half of naughty humor to ease the tension. You remember movies like this from the 80s: Porky’s, Animal House, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Bad Teacher's very cool 80s soundtrack underscores the similarities, by the way). But the difference is, the adult humor is perpetrated by the adults, not the teens, so we don’t have to feel like pervs watching it. And – most importantly – the leader of the raunchiness is a woman. I think it’s a first in this particular genre, and Diaz does us proud. She totally embraces the role and delivers, big time.

A major part of why this movie is so great is the amazing, amazing casting. All the supporting actors and actresses are as ideally suited to their roles as Diaz, and they totally commit to their characters. In addition to Timberlake, who’s not afraid to play a repressed little worm (did this add to the appeal for ex-girlfriend Cameron?!), and Punch, who goes delightfully over-the-top and borderline psychotic, Jason Segal adds a slightly Judge Reinhold/Brad Hamiltonesque quality to his portrayal of the lovable gym teacher who totally has Elizabeth’s number. But, next to Cameron Diaz, the star of the show has got to be Phyllis Smith, aka, Phyllis from The Office. She plays a self-conscious, nervous fellow teacher who inexplicably gravitates toward Elizabeth, takes on a sort of awkward sidekick role, and delivers some of the greatest lines in the movie.

Dudes will enjoy this movie, too, but, really, it’s let-your-hair-down, girls’-night-out perfection. On par with – and maybe even a shade funnier than -- Bridesmaids. Yeah, I said it!

Keep those funny-lady-driven comedies coming, Hollywood!

For New Orleans-area movie theaters and showtimes, visit...
http://neworleans.mrmovietimes.com/

BIG EASY: Musee Conti Wax Museum of New Orleans

…did you know there was one?! Even friends of mine who’ve lived here forever did not. I’ve passed it many times on Conti in the Quarter and have always been curious. And what better time than summer to hit some of the off-the-beaten-path local attractions that your kids haven’t had time to get sick of?

So, yes, once again I used my 5-year-old son as a guinea pig -- all in the name of science. I made sure not to hype it up too much, as I really had no idea what to expect. The museum is located in a super quiet, super sleepy back part of the Quarter, which adds to the mystique – and makes street parking a breeze. How often can you say that about this neighborhood?!

Before we began our self-guided tour (guided group/school tours are also available), we got a glimpse of their upstairs event facility. It’s a huge space with sky-high ceilings, exposed brick, a stage, two bars, and tons of tables and fancy gold chairs. Please invite me if you rent this place for an event. I love the idea of having a party at a wax museum… and I really need a reason to dress up. Sigh.

Anyway, on with the wax. This joint is awesomely dark and musty, as a wax museum in a historic building should be. It’s made up of four long halls lined with stalls that depict various events and characters significant to New Orleans’ history and lore. Instead of being merely displayed, most of the wax figures are staged within either uniquely characteristic situations or specific historical events. A plaque, or series of plaques, is posted in front of each stall, explaining the back story of each scene.

Of course, they cover all the usual suspects: pirate Jean Lafitte’s infamous meeting with Andrew Jackson, the Battle of New Orleans, Marie Laveau accepting payment from a bride seeking a little voodoo marital insurance, Mark Twain on a riverboat, Mardi Gras stuff, etc. Oh, and there's Napoleon, sitting in a bathtub (pictured, at top) as he explains to his brother and advisers how he made the Louisiana Purchase deal without consulting anyone else. We both got a huge kick out of this one -- especially the strategically placed sponge.

But, the very best part was the stuff that I’d never heard of before. Like the “Casket Girls” (pictured, right). Are you familiar? Apparently, the governor of Louisiana asked France to send over some prospective wives for the soldiers and city planners as New Orleans was in its infancy, and France obliged. Teenage girls made the long voyage over, each bearing only a small wooden casket of belongings, and were housed at the Ursuline Convent while the nuns arranged their marriages. Just as many Bostonians pride themselves on tracing their families back to the Mayflower, many New Orleanians feel similarly about the Casket Girls, according to the plaque. Hm. Seems slightly creepy, but it’s fascinating, nonetheless!

Down another hall, two guys in a boxing ring accompany the tidbit that Louisiana was the first state to legalize prize fighting. And gamblers gathered around an antique craps table (pictured, left) serve as the backdrop for the story of how the game allegedly got its name. The local Americans referred to the Creoles as frogs, or crapaud, which was shortened to become the name of the dice game that the warring factions both happened to adore.

I’m a total trivia geek, so of course I totally dug this place, but I was shocked that my son was not only into the eerie wax figures, but actually interested in my synopsis of each scene. I made them quite brief, of course, but still! This is an unusual and excellent way to add a little dimension to the boring textbook accounts of New Orleans history.

And, ps -- there's a surprise, random, creepy-gory dungeon hall at the very end, featuring everything from a Freddy Krueger figure to scenes from Edgar Allen Poe stories. Not sure if it's to serve as a treat for well-behaved kids, or a threat for the naughty ones...

For more information on the New Orleans Wax Museum, please visit http://www.neworleanswaxmuseum.com/.

BIG SCREEN: Green Lantern Revieux (PG-13)

I’m not a huge sci-fi fan, but I’ve been curious about this Green Hornet movie for a while. Mostly because it seems like they were filming here in New Orleans forever, so as childish as it is, I was curious to see if the scenes we witnessed made the final cut. Oh, and because the trailers looked relatively cool.

So, this Green Lantern comic book phenomenon – I thought I was familiar with the concept, but I think my feeble mind was confusing it with Green Hornet. (My apologies, comic book geeks of earth.) Apparently, “Green Lantern” refers to a whole legion of intergalactic policemen who have lantern-powered rings that allow them to conjure up stuff when they get in a jam. Have I sufficiently irritated GL fans with my lackluster description?! Whatever.

In the movie, Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds, Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place... Google this 90s sitcom gem) is a rebellious, death-defying test pilot who’s haunted by the memory of watching his dad, a celebrated pilot back in his day, die in a fiery jet crash. While he’s battling his demons and his inability to commit to anything, let alone former/soon-to-be-current love interest and fellow pilot, Carol Ferris (Blake Lively, Gossip Girl), there’s a cosmic showdown happening between the Green Lantern corps and an evil, giant space leviathan called Parallax. After it kills a mighty Green Lantern warrior, the fallen dude’s ring chooses Hal as a replacement. Parallax soon descends upon Earth and Hal must conquer his fears if he’s to save the planet, and perhaps, even the universe.

Alright, gotta tell you – I was pretty much ready to leave after the first 10 minutes of this movie. First of all, the 3-D was completely screwed up. Everything was jerky and distorted – and actually slightly better without the glasses. But the technical glitch wasn’t the only problem. The story was hokey, the dialogue was weak, and the acting was just awful! Blake Lively was anything but (lively, that is), and, despite the smokin’ bod and sexy perma-stubble, Ryan Reynolds was like a broken record with his trademark overly ironic delivery of every single line.

UGH! It was not looking good.

But, not long after the 3-D glitch was resolved, the movie seemed to sort of hit its stride. The romantic subplot was still lame and distracting (I hated that aspect of Spiderman, too – is this a chick flick or an action movie?!), but the spectacular special effects and fight sequences finally kicked in, as did the overall excitement. Really cool to look at. And Peter Sarsgaard (Dead Man Walking, Boys Don’t Cry, husband to Maggie Gyllenhaal) kicks some tail in his seriously creepy performance as a scientist who becomes infected by Parallax and transforms into a bubble-foreheaded psychopath.

Overall, content: flimsy. Visuals: cool. Cool enough to warrant a trip to the theater? I think so. But I suppose it depends on your priorities/mood/state of mind/standards. I have no concept of how this is being received by hardcore Green Lantern fans, as I don't speak geek, but I'm sure it will be excellent fodder for Comic-Con panel discussions. (Hm, I just might qualify as a geek for knowing what that is.)

FYI… some of the scenes where the Parallax sucks the life out of its victims were actually a little on the intense side. My five-year-old son is pretty tough and fearless when it comes to movies. He can handle the occasional PG-13 flick, but I’m thinking he’s not quite ready for this one.

For New Orleans-area movie theaters and showtimes, visit...
http://neworleans.mrmovietimes.com/

BIG SCREEN: Mr. Popper’s Penguins Revieux (Rated PG)

Have you ever read the book Mr. Popper’s Penguins, by Richard and Florence Atwater? I hadn’t, so I ducked into a bookstore and skimmed it after I saw the movie. Didn’t take much more than a skim to see that all the two seem to have in common are penguins and the use of the name “Mr. Popper.” That’s pretty much where the similarity ends. Seems silly to even call it by the same name, but whatever.

In the movie, Jim Carrey plays a really smarmy, selfish, heartless corporate guy who’s divorced, yet still somewhat friendly with his cool ex-wife, but his kids don’t trust him because he’s let them down so many times. Let’s stop right there for a second. Does it seem like you’ve seen this movie before and you know exactly where it’s heading, despite minor changes? Ever seen Liar, Liar? I swear, it’s the exact same character and set-up. But, instead of his son wishing he can never lie again, he’s taught some life lessons by some super cute penguins that his recently deceased, absentee, explorer/father left him. His dilemma: how to remain an evil corporate shark while hosting a colony/waddle/rookery (I looked it up) of heartwarming penguins in his apartment?

Here’s where it actually gets good: the visual effects are totally seamless. You really can’t tell which ones are real penguins and which are computer-generated. Either way, the little waddlers are really entertaining and adorable, even with all the poo and fart jokes. A lot of Carrey’s scenes with them are very sweet and funny, but then it happens. I know most people either love or hate him, and I usually lean toward the love camp, but his sporadic antics in the movie are clunky and distracting. They’re totally out of character for the slick Mr. Popper – but vintage Carrey. It’s as though the director tried his best to hold him back, but every now and then he just said, “Screw it. Go, Jim. Be rubbery and over the top. Get it out of your system!”

This may be of no interest to anyone but me, but I was shocked when I noticed the director’s name: Mark Waters. I wondered if maybe there’s more than one in the business, because it couldn’t be the same Mark Waters I interviewed years ago for a truly twisted and awesome Parker Posey movie called House of Yes. But, alas, they’re one and the same. (And his brother wrote the movie Heathers!) I hate to bust his chops for selling out -- I mean, I know the dude’s gotta make a living and all but, yikes! I was also surprised when I saw there were three people listed as writers. Three times the brain power and they still couldn’t come up with a better story? Yikes, again.

Okay. It’s not a horrible movie. It’s not even a particularly bad movie. But it could’ve been so much better with a little originality... or if they'd stuck with the original story. It totally feels like people were just phoning it in for a paycheck (like I wouldn’t do the same thing, given the chance), but your kids will like it if they can stick it out until the cute penguins show up. Oh, and they film a bunch at the Guggenheim Museum and Tavern on the Green in New York, which is not as good as being there, but really fun to look at. (Have you checked airfares lately? I’ll take what I can get, people.)

For New Orleans-area movie theaters and showtimes, visit...
http://neworleans.mrmovietimes.com/