Local Fixes for Adrenaline Junkies… and Middle-aged Moms with Something to Prove

Are you familiar with the concept of fight-or-flight? It’s all about one’s response to fear. If something is perceived as a threat to our safety or survival, we either run away from it, or run toward it -- like maniacs. Adrenaline junkies definitely fall under that second category.

As a middle-aged mom living in a small town, my riskiest behavior these days is pretty much limited to the possibility of giving my family food poisoning with my terrible cooking skills. But that wasn’t always the case. So, when I began researching this topic for my column in Hammond's Daily Star newspaper, I decided it was a perfect opportunity to combat my midlife crisis by renewing my status as one of “them.” The brave ones. The cool kids. The daredevils.

Okay, enough talk. Time to put up or shut up. Deep breath. Here I go!

Gold Coast Skydivers

Abita Springs. LA

Celebrating a successfully deployed parachute with
Gold Coast Skydivers instructor, Matt

Full disclosure: I did a tandem jump out of an airplane one other time -- about 15 years ago, back when I was single and childless, with very little fear of anything or much regard for my personal safety. Despite having been-there-done-that, it was still a daunting concept. “Yeah, but what a way to go” is no longer a part of my mental process when debating the relative safety of a proposed activity, but according to the United States Parachute Association, out of the 3.2 million jumps in 2014, only 24 resulted in fatality. Pretty good odds, right?

When I first spoke with Gold Coast Skydivers owner/manager Vince Moore on the phone, his youthfulness and enthusiasm almost prompted me to ask to speak to his manager -- or dad! Turns out, he’s a married dad himself, but has maintained that energy that comes from doing what you love for a living. That infectious energy makes the decision to hurl yourself out of an aircraft a little less daunting.

Gold Coast, based out of Mississippi, just recently expanded their business to include this conveniently located jump zone at the St. Tammany Regional Airport in Abita Springs. Once you’re at the site, just prior to the jump, it takes about 30 minutes to wrap up a little business, which includes watching a safety video and signing off on a lengthy waiver, both of which mention death and injury way more than less heroic humans could handle. Next, instructor training. It involves a few simple body positions, but they are well aware that most of us will draw a total blank once the door opens, which is why they repeat the drill plenty of times.

My jump instructor was a delightful dude named Matt Federer, who has an incredibly calm demeanor and a sleeve of tattoos. The combination somehow put me at complete ease. If you don’t bond with your instructor before boarding the plane, you sure as heck will when you’re sitting on his lap as he’s connecting his harness to yours, definitively cementing your fates together as one, come what may. When I developed a stupid, ill-timed foot cramp and momentary flop sweat during the 20-minute plane ride up, Matt deftly cracked the window and talked me down, totally returning me to Zen mode. Whew. Good man.

It’s truly an out-of-body experience when the door opens at 10,000 feet and you realize what’s about to happen. People are surprised to learn that, after the initial lean out of the plane, this experience doesn’t feel like falling. There’s no point of reference, so it actually feels like a little harmless flipping, followed by a sustained hover above the Earth with a whole lot of wind blowing upwards at you. Once the parachute opens, the fun, spinny, floaty part begins, and you wish it weren’t almost over. This adrenaline junkie fix definitely comes with the biggest, baddest set of bragging rights, which is just icing on the cake!

(Note to my fellow middle-aged and/or fleshy ladies... do yourself a favor and wear sleeves if you get the action photos of your jump. The wind is NOT kind to non-toned body parts. Yikes. Had to delete a whole lotta horror show pix!)

For more information, pricing, and hours of operation, visit www.goldcoastskydivers.com or call (800) 796-7117.

Fly By Knight Flight Training

Hammond. LA

"Alpha Charlie Vector Niner..."
The complicated communication with the tower was
the most intimidating part of the lesson with
Fly By Knight.  But the headset looks cool, right?

When I asked about age limits for flight lessons, Fly By Knight owner Sharon Knight replied, “I mean, you could teach a monkey to fly. You just need to be able to reach the pedals.” And I instantly had just a smidgen more confidence in my own abilities.

I have to admit, I wasn’t all that concerned about this experience, until I found out I would be sitting in the driver’s seat of the Piper Warrior 3, taking off, and flying from their location at the Hammond Northshore Regional Airport to Mandeville. (Yikes, where’s that chimp when you need him?) But, let me tell you, if you’re going to be helming an aircraft with a Volkswagon-eque engine and experiencing a mid-flight controlled stall (all part of the training, folks), you really want the dulcet tones of a delightfully dry-witted British woman in your headset!

If you think you’re just going to hop in the plane and go, not so fast. There’s a checklist with about 50 items to inspect  -- from rivets on the wings to fluid levels in the engine -- before takeoff. As Sharon says, “Planes don’t crash themselves.” Duly noted. According to her, most of the risk associated with flying comes from poor decisions and hazardous behavior, and failure to thoroughly inspect the aircraft for potential issues.

After this 20-ish minute process, I had the utmost confidence that this machine was in tip-top shape (plus, Sharon’s husband is the company mechanic, so there’s that added level of insurance). We boarded the plane, Sharon steered us away from any humans or equipment that I could possibly mow down with the propeller, then we were off. It’s a pretty powerful experience to personally make a hunk of metal leave the ground and magically defy gravity for miles and miles at 2,500 feet. We went all the way to Mandeville, flew over my house, then she performed the aforementioned controlled stall. This was the only borderline nerve-wracking part of the day. 

Next, we circled way up near Global Wildlife Center, where she buzzed her friend’s landing strip closer to the ground to give me a sense of how fast we were traveling (wow, point taken), before heading back to the hangar. We agreed she should handle the landing, which she made look incredibly easy. In fact, the whole concept of actually learning to fly suddenly seems much more doable. When it’s all said and done, it costs between $6,000 and $10,000 to get your license. Or you could just do one beautiful, memorable lesson like I did.

For details on scheduling a lesson, or working toward your license, visit www.flybyknight.biz or call (985) 340-8800.

Xtreme Xperience Supercar Ride Along

Avondale, LA (West Bank)

Preparing to launch with Racer Rick and his yellow rocket ship.

Let me be clear -- I’m not a NASCAR fan. I’m not even an IndyCar fan. But, man -- offer me the chance to ride shotgun in a souped-up, high-performance luxury vehicle, and I’m so there!

Xtreme Xperience is an exotic-car driving experience that travels to racetracks around the country, so you have to plan to catch them while they’re in town. (They’ll be back at Nola Motorsports Park from December 11-13 -- perfect for an early Christmas gift!) I caught them on their last New Orleans stint in early September, and was given a choice of cars. My car-guy husband recommended the Corvette Z06. Out of a fleet that includes Ferraris and Lamborghinis, it didn’t seem like the sexiest choice, but I was informed that it was the newest, fastest one, with “a supercharged 6.2L aluminum V8 engine delivering 650 horsepower and 650 lb.-ft. of torque.” (Huh? Car-guy husband told me my personal vehicle has about 240 horsepower, in comparison. Okay, got it.) My driver, Rick Schoonover, promptly showed me what this all meant when he hit the accelerator, and I experienced what I can only explain as a straight-line version of zero gravity.  But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Though I opted for a ride-along, instead of an actual driving experience, I decided to sit in on the driver training class, just for kicks. Two things stood out. First, the instructor acknowledged that the amateur drivers were probably really excited, but that they should dial it down to a seven out of ten once they got behind the wheel. Probably wise. This seemed even more important when he revealed that the brave and/or insane professionals who would be accompanying these amateurs would have no governing devices, and therefore, no means to try to correct or stop the complete stranger in the driver’s seat. Unreal. Can you imagine?  

So, back to the actual experience. After the initial, aforementioned straight-line, zero-gravity sensation, we hit the curvy course -- this is no boring oval. My inner aggressive dude came out when the Lamborghini in front of us applied what I thought was excessive use of the brake pedal. Egged on by my verbal dressing down of the slow Lambo, my man Racer Rick slowed down to let them get far ahead of us, then really went for it. We hit 155 mph in the straightaways, and 75 in the curves. Really stinking cool, I must say. Though you know these cars are built for performance, it’s still mind-blowing when there’s no skidding or screeching tires when you take a tight turn at that speed!

It’s worth mentioning that if you have family or friends accompanying you, but not participating, they can purchase inexpensive pit passes, or watch for free from a balcony overlooking the course. There’s a 100% chance someone will wish they did it, too, so, they can either pony up on the spot, or settle for a few spins on the nearby NOLA Motorsports’ go-kart track, which has separate cars and tracks for kids and adults.

Xtreme Xperience pricing varies, according to which car and experience you choose, so visit www.thextremexperience.com or call (866) 273-7727 for options and reservations.

NOLA Flyboarding

New Orleans Lakefront

Super rad flyboarding. Yeah, sadly -- that's not me.

Okay, so technically, I didn’t actually do this one. Don’t judge me. I don’t come from aquatic people, so that’s my excuse for my irrational watersports phobia. (I would rather jump out of an airplane than scuba dive in a swimming pool. Analyze that.) But, NOLA Flyboarding owner and master instructor Tony Bertucci not only didn’t chastise me, he let me go out on the boat just to watch, so maybe I can get partial credit?

In case you’re not familiar, flyboarding is sort of like standing on a seaworthy snowboard that’s connected to a personal watercraft via a hose. The instructor/operator on the watercraft controls the amount of water that shoots out of the bottom of the board, propelling the rider upright, and hopefully, into the air. It definitely takes some balance and body positioning, but based on the experience of the adventurous young lady who was trying it for the first time the day I visited, it just takes a little patience and a good coach to help you get the hang of it. (Boy, cool, charismatic coaching is a recurring -- and necessary -- element in each of these experiences, isn’t it?) On this day, Geremy Stovall was teaching the lesson, and he brought such a chill, it’s-all-good, Woody Harrelson-esque vibe that part of me almost wanted to give it a try. Almost. Their motto is “Everyone flies. No one fails. Guaranteed.” And, with Geremy’s enthusiastic instruction and encouragement, sure enough, the intrepid student finally succeeded. Very cool.

I’ve been really surprised by how many times I’ve mentioned flyboarding over the last several weeks, and people automatically say, “Oh, over at Brisbi’s?” The NOLA Flyboarding dock is, in fact, located next to Brisbi’s restaurant near the marina on Lakeshore Drive in New Orleans (convenient for a pre- or post-flight lunch or cocktail), and the company has obviously made a name for itself.

For pricing information or to schedule your “flight,” visit nolaflyboarding.com or call (504) 982-8346.

I’ll be turning 45 -- solidly middle-aged -- around the time this posts. It's hardly noteworthy, and certainly not impressive, especially given that a 92-year-old great-grandma recently jumped with Gold Coast Skydivers, and a 70-something woman is spending her retirement racing with Xtreme Xperience all over the country, while wearing her awesome “I’m not dead, yet” t-shirt. They’re the real proof that you’re never too old to get your adrenaline fix. Rock on, my sistahs!

BIG SCREEN: Pixels Revieux (Rated PG-13)

Hearing that Adam Sandler is in a movie has a similar effect on me these days as hearing that Keanu Reeves was in a movie had on me back in the 90s. Cringe. Pass.

But, that’s mean and sort of unfair. Everyone deserves a millionth chance, right? Besides, my kid really wanted to see Pixels, so off we went. Because that’s what moms do. Sigh.

Pixels opens in 1982 with two kids excitedly rushing to a newly opened arcade. (Behold, the arcade! The only thing my kid has ever found appealing about my childhood. He audibly gasped at the sight of a huge room full of flashing, beeping, blinking video games. As he should. Arcades were, indeed, awesome!) One of the kids finds that he has insane gaming skills and winds up the runner-up in a world championship. These skills come in handy when, 30 years later, aliens misinterpret old video game feeds as declarations of war, and use the games as models for their attacks on Earth. The president (Kevin James) calls on that washed up video gamer, aka his best bud Sam Brenner (Adam Sandler), to lead a team of other former gamers (Peter Dinklage and Josh Gad) in saving the planet.

I was very surprised to see Sandler and James turn in much more understated performances than they usually do, instead letting Gad (you know him as the voice of Olaf from Frozen!) and Dinklage (Game of Thrones/Elf) steal the show. Gad plays an uber-nerdy conspiracy theorist given to hilarious outbursts, while Dinklage is an overconfident, delightfully creepy dude with bad hair and questionable scruples.

I fully expected a giant bucket of stupid from this movie, but it was way more entertaining than I imagined. I love being pleasantly surprised! The soundtrack, video game graphics, and 3-D are cool, and while the story is certainly silly, they kept the pointless gags and really bad dialogue to a minimum, which was a huge relief. Adam Sandler seemed a bit haggard and tired, to be honest -- but I’ll cut my middle-aged brother a break. A little more energy from him would have been nice, but years of silly voices and over-the-top performances are sure to wear a dude out eventually, I suppose.

Overall, Pixels is some no-harm, no-foul fun, but earns its PG-13 rating pretty much solely from some scattered bad language, in case that kind of thing bothers you. It opens on Friday, July 24. Go here for local showtimes and theaters.

BIG SCREEN: Minions Revieux (Rated PG)

Spin-off movies face really high expectations, especially if the original movies were as universally loved as Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2. And for any contemporary family movie to be really great, it needs to (a) entertain the parents, as well as the kids (b) save up some surprises that aren’t revealed in the trailer, and (c) make my kid laugh so hard he can’t catch his breath. I’m happy to report that Minions succeeds on all levels!

As the movie opens, we get to witness the very origins of the Minion species, and their incessant drive to find the baddest bad guy to serve -- all narrated in Geoffrey Rush’s delightfully dulcet tones.They make some bizarre, hilarious choices throughout history, but when they get stuck in a masterless rut, three intrepid guys -- Bob, Stuart, and Kevin -- set out to find a great villain that will get them back on track, and save all Minion-kind.

The year is 1968, and the greatest villain of the moment is actually the world’s first female super villain, Scarlet Overkill, voiced by Sandra Bullock. The trio is given a trial run as her henchmen, and their lives -- and the future of all the Minions -- depends on their success. So, naturally, many mishaps and much mayhem ensue. (And the soundtrack, by the way, is extra groovy!)

I had high hopes, but low expectations going into this movie. I’ve been disappointed by far too many spinoffs (Penguins of Madagascar) and sequels (Night at the Museum 3) lately, and I was also concerned that the Minion gibberish would become annoying at least halfway through the movie. But I was pleasantly surprised. The movie is full of fun plot twists you just don’t see coming, and there were countless times when I wanted to hit the rewind and/or pause button because I was certain I’d missed funny stuff, given the many layers of comedic details they crammed in. (Another hallmark of a good movie -- immediately planning to watch the DVD!)

Minions opens in gazillions of theaters today. For local theaters and showtimes, go here.

BIG SCREEN: Inside Out Revieux (Rated PG)

Emotional turmoil is a very tough concept for kids to comprehend. When bad or difficult situations arise, how do you help them cope? Inside Out tackles just that.

As the movie opens, we meet young Riley, a happy 11-year-old girl living in Minnesota with her parents. We also meet the colorful team of emotions -- Joy (Amy Poehler), Sadness (Phyllis Smith), Anger (Lewis Black), Disgust (Mindy Kaling), and Fear (Bill Hader) -- who operate the machinery inside her head. It’s an elaborate and carefully constructed combination of amusement park and industrial complex, all designed to catalog memories and keep her emotionally stable.  Everything is great, until she and her parents move to San Francisco. The stress of the situation gets the better of her, and despite everyone's best efforts, the entire system crashes, and Riley stands on the brink of a very dangerous emotional breakdown.

Great topic, right? I love a kids’ movie that actually tries to teach a vital lesson. However, in this case, I think the filmmakers bit off more than they could chew. 

But, let’s start with the positives. I was immediately struck by the vibrant colors and cool animation of the emotions. It’s certainly a very delightful movie to look at, and the casting is brilliantly, ridiculously right on. Amy Poehler was born to do animated voiceover work. Her energy is very similar to that of Ellen Degeneres, probably my favorite voice actor of all time. If the name Phyllis Smith doesn’t ring a bell, she played Phyllis on The Office -- and is perfect for the droll voice of Sadness. But my favorite was definitely Lewis Black, who made me laugh every time his character spoke. To have such a caustic comedian voice the animated embodiment of anger in a kids’ movie is just too perfect. Mindy Kaling and Bill Hader do great jobs, too, but their characters are not nearly really scene stealers like the others.

On the flipside, while I really liked the concept of helping kids to understand the role that various emotions play in their overall character and well-being, I think it went a little too high concept. I loved how Joy and Sadness wind up realizing how they have to work together, but there’s a whole lot of convoluted stuff that gets in the way of this message. Subconscious? Core memories? Abstract thought? What little kid is going to understand and stay focused on any of this? I like to think I’m a fairly smart grownup, and they lost even my attention several times.

Inside Out is definitely an original movie with a fabulous cast, which earns it a lot of brownie points. But losing sight of your audience is a huge problem. It’s probably not ideal for kiddos with extra short attention spans.

It opens today, Friday, June 19. Go here for local theaters and times.

BIG SCREEN: Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) - (Rated R)

If you pay any attention to movie industry scuttlebutt, no doubt you’ve heard at least some of the Oscar buzz surrounding Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Critics are falling all over themselves with praise for it, declaring it the year’s best film, and a shoo-in for an Academy Award or two. But, for me, this wasn’t a simple thumbs-up or thumbs-down kind of movie. (Gasp!) If that excludes me from the cool kids’ table, well -- I can live with that. Probably won’t be the last time.

Birdman is a dark comedy that stars Michael Keaton as Riggan Thomson, an aging actor whose uber successful super-hero movie franchise made him rich and famous back in the day. Decades later, we find him plagued by (a) self-doubt, (b) the notion that he sold his soul and integrity to Hollywood, and (c) a menacing phantom voice -- that of Riggan as Birdman (a la, Keaton as Batman) -- which constantly fills his head with delusions of grandeur and super powers from yesteryear. In an attempt to prove his relevance and regain some dignity, Riggan is writing, directing and starring in a Broadway play, based on the work of the highly respected writer and poet, Raymond Carver. He’s desperate for the play to be successful, and terrified it’ll fail -- and with good reason, especially considering the cast of characters surrounding him.

First, there’s his troubled daughter (Emma Stone) who’s fresh out of rehab, begrudgingly working as his assistant, and hellbent on constantly reminding him of his failures as a father and a legitimate actor. His jittery producer (Zach Galifianakis) is truly trying to be supportive of his friend, but recognizes the potential disaster at hand, and is ready to just pull the plug and go home. His new co-star (Edward Norton) is a loose cannon and veteran of the theater. He’s beloved by the critics and represents Riggan’s most urgent desires and fears, while undermining him at every turn. His lead actress (Naomi Watts) is the embodiment of all the worst acting stereotypes -- desperate for validation, emotionally fragile, and a terrible judge of character -- both her own and others’. There’s also a horribly elitist New York Times theater critic (Lindsay Duncan) who promises to destroy the show, based merely on her hatred of Riggan’s Hollywood pedigree. And finally, there’s Birdman himself. Though he’s a figment of Riggan’s imagination, his incessant nagging about returning to their vapid, but lucrative and familiar movie roots seems destined to send Riggan right over the edge. Quite literally.

That’s really the big, lingering question throughout the movie… will Riggan go completely insane, or will he achieve the critical success he craves?

It’s a pretty good premise, right? I think we all can relate to his inner conflict as he strives to reach his goal. Should you measure success by wealth, or by personal satisfaction? Is your identity based on who you think you are, or how others perceive you? Can you possibly hope to completely overhaul your life and correct past mistakes in your later years?

Great questions. But I can’t say that Birdman does a particularly thorough job addressing them.

While it’s fascinating to witness the dissection of these egomaniacal, narcissistic actors and the battle of Hollywood schlock vs. Broadway grit, in order to really connect with a movie’s characters and their struggles, I really need to either sympathize with them, or to find them relatable. There are moments -- squeezed in between wink-wink, nudge-nudge industry jokes about X-men prequels and Robert Downey, Jr.’ acting abilities -- when Birdman comes awfully close to achieving this. It frequently hovers right on the edge, but because it remains so focused on Riggan the actor and all the sad and comical trappings of the profession, I never got that raw, painful moment of truth I was hoping for, when all the artifice is stripped away, and we get to the core of the actual man. Maybe that was their point -- that there’s nothing behind an actor’s facade? But, I doubt it. That seems a bit too cynical, even by Hollywood standards.

All that being said, Birdman has a lot of other things going for it. While so many movies today go crazy with quick edits and jumpy hand-held camera sequences, Birdman takes the opposite approach with smooth, seamless long shots that create an endlessly unflinching effect throughout the movie. It’s also filled with really great performances. I mean, how could you go wrong with a cast like this? Especially with Keaton providing such enormous depth and texture, and Norton bringing his signature intensity and humor. I can certainly see how the Oscar buzz could pertain to the two of them.

Despite what I perceived as its shortcomings, Birdman is still a good movie, and worth seeing for its originality, cinematic style and great acting ensemble. I’ll be curious to see if moviegoers will be as blown away as the overwhelming majority of critics, or if they’ll be with me at the “uncool” kids’ table. (There’s plenty of room, I’ll save you a seat.)

BIG SCREEN: The Second Best Exotic Hotel (Rated PG)

You can’t help but smile when The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel opens with George Thorogood’s “Move It on Over” blaring as Maggie Smith (as the adorably prickly Muriel Donnelly) and Dev Patel (as the ever-optimistic Sonny Kapoor) are speeding down a highway in a convertible. Sonny politely refuses Muriel’s urgent request to put the top back up, simply stating, “This is Route 66, and we are most assuredly getting our kicks.”

(Really sets a fun tone, doesn’t it?)

For those who are unfamiliar, the first movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, introduced audiences to a group of British retirees who relocated to India with the promise of a lavishly restored luxury hotel in which to spend the rest of their days. What they found was a rather shabby shell of a property that had seen better days. Obviously meant to reflect much of the world’s view of elderly people being past their prime, the group learns to see themselves -- and their new home -- with fresh eyes, which means letting go of the past and finding a new perspective on life and love. In this sequel, the young proprietor, Sonny, is quickly becoming overwhelmed by his efforts to open a second hotel, and is dangerously close to ruining his relationship with his gorgeous fiancee (Tina Desai) as his wedding day is rapidly approaching. Meanwhile, each of the retirees finds themselves at a crossroads where love and important life events are concerned, as well.

To be honest, it’s hard to be overly critical of this movie. Filmmakers approached it with such a light touch -- it’s neither preachy nor kitschy nor overly sentimental, all of which would be easy to do, given the subject matter. Instead, it imparts some lovely lessons on life and love that pertain to both the young and old. It’s well-written, with just enough warmth and humor to make it endearing, without becoming too precious or cheeky. And, of course, it’s a visual pleasure, beautifully highlighting the rich textures, colors, and rituals of Indian culture.

All that being said, the absolute heart and soul of this movie lies in its exceptional ensemble cast, providing proof that there should be more opportunities for seasoned actors in Hollywood. It’s a who’s who of superb British actors: Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, Celia Imrie, and Ronald Pickup, to name a few. Even if you don’t recognize the names, the faces are instantly recognizable from previous memorable roles.

The one weak spot, I’m afraid I have to point out, is… Richard Gere. I mean, Richard Gere? What an odd choice. He plays a handsome stranger with questionable motives who shows up at the hotel and creates a bit of a stir. He’s handsome, for sure, but sadly, he adds very little more to the movie, and even detracts, if you ask me. I can’t recall ever being very impressed with any of his performances, but when thrown in with such a talented cast, his laid-back style seems incredibly lazy. And while all the other performances come across as charmingly effortless, Gere appears to rely solely on his charisma to carry him through the movie.

Thud. He falls very flat in an otherwise effervescent movie.

Truth be told, though I knew the premise, I only saw a portion of the first movie, so I was a little concerned that I wouldn’t be able to connect with its established characters and running storyline. But it’s a true testament to both the cast and filmmakers that the sequel stands so well on its own. It’s just such a hopeful and positive movie, providing a welcomed escape from whatever hardships and turmoil may be happening outside the theater doors. And isn’t that what a movie is supposed to do?