BIG SCREEN: The Pirates! Band of Misfits 3D Revieux (Rated PG)

I was so bummed to miss The Pirates! Band of Misfits screening. Real stop-motion animation in this day and age? Monty-Python-esque humor in a Wallace and Gromit-type format? Familiar voices, like Hugh Grant, Salma Hayek, and Jeremy Piven? I was so looking forward to it, but alas, less-fun duty called. Phooey.

So, once again, I sent six-year-old Les Bon Temps Boy (with Les Bon Temps Dad) in my place. The last time I did this, I wound up comparing the process of coaxing a review from LBT Boy to eating Jell-O with chopsticks. Well, I’m happy to report, there’s been some improvement. This time, it was more like eating a Jell-O salad with chopsticks. I was actually able to harvest a couple of substantial chunks of feedback in between the slippery, wobbly bits. Not exactly meaty, but let’s give it a go…

Okay, Les Bon Temps Boy, tell me the story of The Pirates! Band of Misfits.

It was all about a captain who wanted to win a game and he had a parrot. It wasn’t really a parrot, it was a dodo. But he thought it was a parrot.

What the -- that’s the story?!

Oh, and the queen was trying to eat the dodo.

Um…?

(I look incredulously to my husband, who gives LBTB a little mental prodding.)

Okay. Let’s try this again. What’s it about?

There are these pirates, they like to eat ham. Their captain wanted to win a Pirate of the Year award, but all the rest of the pirates had big piles of loot, and he didn’t. So, he and his pirates go out and hold up all these weird ships. There’s a field trip ship with a bunch of kids, a ghost ship, and a ship where a guy’s arm falls off.

(It’s a plague ship, LBT Dad interjects.)

So, you’re saying they’re not very good pirates.

No! None of these ships had any gold or money!

Okay, I felt like I was getting a clear picture, but I decided to look it up. Believe it or not, this appears to be a pretty succinct and adequate synopsis of the movie, which is based on the first two books from Gideon Defoe's The Pirates! series.

According to Wikipedia:

“A crew of amateur pirates, under the direction of the ambitious, but equally inexpert Pirate Captain, try to plunder ships so that the Pirate Captain can accomplish his dream of winning the Pirate of the Year Award… After various failed raids on useless ships - including a plague boat, a *nudist boat (*He left that one out?!), and a ghost ship - they hijack the Beagle and encounter Charles Darwin, who informs them that Polly, the supposed parrot of the pirate crew, is actually the last living dodo. The pirates go with Darwin and his trained chimpanzee Mr. Bobo to London… Together, they find out that Queen Victoria is planning to eat Polly and other rare animals…”

Hey, not too shabby, LBT Boy! What was your favorite part?

I liked the monkey best because he holds up signs. And I liked when the guy said, “Some of you are fish dressed up with a hat. And some of you have a broken foot.”

Uh, okay. Guess you had to be there. What else did you like?

When they put the anchor down and they hit the guy in the head! And when the ship backs up and goes, "Beep! Beep! Beep!" And runs into a guy in a row boat!

Excellent. So, it’s pretty funny?

Yes, it’s like Zookeeper.

(I don't recall either of us liking that movie -- see the above link for proof.)

It's like Zookeeper because... there are talking animals?

No! (laughs mockingly) I just told you, the monkey has to hold up signs! He can't talk!

But, you said it was like… never mind. Tell me this -- is it funnier than The Three Stooges?

Hm. Hmmm. Let me think. Um... hm.

Hello? Try to focus here. Not a tough question. I need an answer.

Hmm. No. But it’s still funny. And it was better than Mirror Mirror.

I see. Would you recommend it to your friends?

Yes! I would tell them, “You should go because it’s funny and you would love to see it!”

There ya have it. Another ringing endorsement. Which is backed up by the fact that the movie poster, pictured above, is lovingly tacked up on his bedroom wall, prompting sporadic bedtime recall of random, but apparently hilarious scenarios from the movie.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits opens in New Orleans today, April 27. Click here for a list of theaters and showtimes.

BIG SCREEN: Bully Revieux (Rated PG-13)

What is it now, rated PG-13? R? Unrated? All this hullaballoo over the ratings of Bully is such a shame, as it seems to have confused the heck out of conscientious parents who are torn between teaching their kids a valuable social lesson and exposing them to potentially harmful content. Well, I’m here to tell you – if my son were about 10 years old, I would absolutely take him to see this. I think by then, he could handle a little nasty language, but more importantly, he would be able to properly process the horrors of bullying without having nightmares about enduring similar scenarios portrayed in the movie. Those two issues make the movie a bit too harsh for my 6-year-old, but shouldn't pose any risk for tweens and teens.

So, the movie. It’s a documentary that follows a handful of parents and kids who either are or have endured vicious bullying. They show the reaction (or lack thereof) of school administrators and local officials, and they show, in a brutally honest fashion, the impact of these kids’ torment. This includes isolation, incarceration, and even suicide.

I made it about ¾ of the way through the movie before I completely lost it. It was devastating to watch kids endure emotional torture, but it was the parents and best friend of an 11-year-old boy who had just recently committed bullying-induced suicide that rendered my digging of fingernails into my palms useless against the onslaught of raw emotion.

What impressed me most was when the filmmakers decided, in the middle of production, to show the footage to one of their subject’s parents, as the bullying was escalating into physical attacks. The resulting reactions from his parents and the school officials are incredibly poignant and they illuminate other dimensions of the problem. Adding to the integrity of the film is the fact that it’s backed by The Bully Project, a campaign that’s designed to bring together partner organizations that share a commitment to ending bullying and ultimately transforming society. The website is loaded with information and resources.

Bully is painful, but it’s powerful and important. See it. Show it to your kids. And let the discussions begin.

BIG SCREEN: Life Happens Revieux (Rated R)

What would happen if a 20-something party girl got pregnant, chose to have the baby on her own, and remain in the house with her party buddy roommates?

Life Happens presents an interesting premise, for sure. Having been a 20-something party girl, and now a boring old married mommy, I was curious to see how these two worlds might collide on-screen.

We start off witnessing a fight over the use of the very last condom in the house, then cut to a year later, as new mommy Kim (Krysten Ritter) – who obviously lost that fight -- is struggling to redefine herself within the confines of single mommyhood. In the meantime, her roomies, Deena (Kate Bosworth), an acerbic writer, and Laura (Rachel Bilson), a flighty virgin, have very cheerfully accepted the roles of live-in babysitters. (Apparently, they are saints.) Now, Kim faces a new challenge: trying to reenter the dating scene. She meets a hot dude, omits her parental status, finds herself caught in a web of lies, her friendships begin to unravel, and both hilarity and disillusionment ensue.

Let me say, first and foremost, that this really is a delightful little cast. Talented, amusing, beautiful… they’ve got it all. Except an awesome script. It’s got some really funny moments, but it’s incredibly flawed and disjointed.

One of my biggest issues with this movie was that it seemed to borrow very heavily from the Friends tv series. Really. Almost verbatim from a couple of quite memorable Monica-and-Rachel scenarios. And while I’m certainly one who’s willing to suspend disbelief for the sake of comedy, it’s a little much to accept that this girl Kim is able to afford rent and utilities in a huge house in L.A. (and later, her own bungalow), baby expenses, car expenses, and incidentals on a DOG WALKER’S salary. Plus, the sharing of childcare is one thing, but the presence of a loud, messy, needy little being in the house seems to have barely put a crimp in the roommates’ swinging single lifestyles. Huh? Talk about fantasy!

I really wanted to like this movie because it had potential, but it just lacked focus. What was the point? A cautionary contraceptive tale? A buddy movie about the evolution of friendship as people enter new phases of life? Because either way, it never took any of the conflicts very seriously, and its portrayal of raising a baby on your own was laughable.

Sigh. Maybe I’m just old and unhip -- and too experienced with the truth about babies to appreciate Life Happens. But maybe young, hip writers should stick to what they know. “Life” hasn’t “happened” to them yet, so maybe they should go with conflicts that are less complicated than child-rearing – like boy trouble. Or Israel vs. Palestine.