Do I sound underwhelmed? Well, I ‘spose I should preface my review with a couple of things. First of all, I was stuck breathing in the stench of a gabby, halitosistic (Is that a word? Should be) woman beside me for the full 2 hours and 17 minutes. People, if you’re going to be a blabbermouth, at least have fresh breath. If your breath reeks of mothballs (and, really, you should know), SHUT IT!!
Secondly, enough with the 3-D. There was absolutely no point to this annoying feature, especially when it’s only used to highlight some random, stagy sword thrusts directly into the camera. And I don’t need to feel as though Johnny Depp’s lovely pointed nose is going to jab me in the cornea to appreciate his magnificent face.
But, alas, I don’t suppose I can blame my lack of enthusiasm for this movie on Miss Stank Breath or glasses that are, I think, designed for Persian cats (they have flat faces, y’know). Here’s the thing. I sort of understand why they would ditch Keira and Orlando in an effort to freshen up the formula. But, the problem is, they don’t really freshen it up. There are now gaping holes where the youthful zeal and humorous banter once were. Penelope Cruz certainly adds some serious Spanish smolder, and I dug seeing a strong woman pirate – but the old chemistry seems to have fizzled. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still action-packed and visually flawless (or it would be without the idiotic 3-D nonsense) and who could ever tire of seeing Johnny D. in the sexy pirate get-up? But, nevertheless, it all feels tired and played out.
On the bright side, the casting is once again amazing. Geoffrey Rush: genius. Ian McShane: the absolute only choice to play Blackbeard ever again. But the highlight for me was a VERY surprising little cameo by Dame Judi Dench, one of my modern day heroes. How cool is she for showing up in the middle of this silliness, however briefly? Oh, and Keith Richards is on the screen for a few scant moments, too. More screen time for these two could’ve bumped up my opinion. And playing opposite each other would’ve been cinematic genius! Says me.
The filmmakers certainly left room for another sequel with the way they ended this installment, but, while I’ll still probably see the next one, I won’t be tripping all over myself to get to the theater.
(PS -- It still might be a bit scary for the more skittish young ‘uns, but the level of violence and gore is less than or equal to some of the previous Pirates.)
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